As everyone knows, lighthouses are the epitome of the mysterious and spooky location – their frequent appearance as settings in heavy-handed fright flicks is testament to the human species’ fear of cliffs, water, fog and alienation.

It is now possible for just about any very rich person to fully understand the torment of the socially excluded and criminally insane. Thrust out into the ocean like an errant child’s lips on a Sunday afternoon outing, the lighthouse is the place to take the family when you are living on the edge of frayed nerves.

Awaiting your pleasure are the twin demons of isolation and exposure; the perfect condiments to utter madness and attempts to dismember the whole clan whilst at the same time providing a ‘get out of jail free’ card – either blame the lighthouse keeper; a human so crazed from months of losing at Patience and being spurned by the superstitious locals that even his own mother would convict; or, if he’s not a convenient stool-pigeon, a sturdy strait-jacket worn with a manic smile at the court hearing should do the trick. Alternatively, maybe you’re just in the exclusive and expensive market for privacy – in which case read on and select your particular location of separation. Of additional interest, watch the humour depreciate to deplorable levels as the three ‘jokes’ we have identified in connection with the topic are quickly exhausted in the early stages.

The first and most famous lighthouse in the world was the Pharos of Alexandria, Egypt. Built in 285 B.C. and destroyed by an earthquake in 1302 it was a proud member of that exclusive club – the Seven Wonders of the World. That can’t quite be competed with by this motley crew but they have a good stab at it – thus, wandering north to south down the map like a dribble of drunkard’s ale, we run the rule over the outcrops at your disposal.

Palagruža
If you’re after peace and quiet then let’s not mess about eh? Set in the midst of absolutely nowhere – Palagruža is the most distant of all islands from the mainland, approximately halfway between the Croatian and Italian coasts and 68 miles south of Split – this is the place to come when humanity and all of its vulgar trappings and yapping have you at the end of that precariously thinning tether. The lighthouse was built in 1875 and sits at a height of 90m in the centre of the 1400m x 300m, Mediterranean vegetated isle. This outpost is rumoured to be a former home to the Greek hero Diomedes – a violent and treacherous warrior who fought goddesses and accompanied Odysseus on adventures against the Trojans – one would have thought he would have found the tiny island, which is also a nature reserve and a little boring. Perhaps that was the attraction?

Pločica
A never-ending, straight, brown avenue leads across the tiny islet of Pločića to the solitary building that is the scene for your re-enactment of ‘The Fog’ – John Carpenter’s lamentable film rather than James Herbert’s slightly less lamentable novel unfortunately. As low, flat and featureless as the paving slabs in front of Zagreb’s main railway station – if not quite as pretty – Pločića sits like an awkward, bored and inconvenient traffic cop in the midst of the shipping channels between Hvar and Korčula. Its landscape is often described as ‘interesting,’ but be warned, it is ‘interesting’ because it is quite different from most other islands by being very, very boring. It is so dull that they couldn’t even persuade any of the unemployed locals to work out here – thus Pločića is one of only two lighthouses here that does not have a full time keeper. Thankfully the water here offers excellent diving opportunities – good thing really.

Porer
Indeed the islet of Porer may lie a mere 2.5km from the tip of the Istrian peninsula but that doesn’t mean a lot in terms of civilisation and amenities when considering that its landmass and appearance both resemble that of a large cornflake. The lighthouse tower, respectful of geometry and careful of balance, supports the whole of its 35m height in the very centre of the 80m2 isle. Strong currents surround Porer at all times but swimming is safe close to the shore. You can get full and detailed directions from the lighthouse keeper as to the best spots to swim from apparently. One assumes this knowledgeable gent grunts and points one way or the other? For the walkers amongst you this island can be explored in full detail, its total circumference paced out in about 60 seconds. Those looking for a shady spot are likely to become a little dizzy as the sun revolves about the tower. Word is however that when our closest star reaches the end of his arc across the sky, the isle of Porer gets the best view of the sunset in the whole of the Adriatic. So you’ll be doubly happy come 8 o’clock!

Prišnjak
The island of Murter is the main launching pad for the rampaging mobs invading the Kornati National Park. 300m from its uninhabited western coast, the islet of Prišnjak plays host to the small lighthouse that tends to resemble some of the tiny churches one finds out in the oddest of places all over Croatia. It was built in 1886 to aid ships wending their way through the Murter Archipelago. All of the captains of such ships are now employed in the ceremonial post of ‘lighthouse keeper’ – mainly in order to keep them off the streets, annoying the local populace by saying ‘aaahh’ a lot and reminiscing. The man responsible for Prišnjak lighthouse is one Captain Severin Kulusić – who keeps the automated lighthouse in line and harasses guests with his tales about fish and rudders. He will also sell you some of his fishing haul - at three times the price that he sells to local restaurants at, a cost you will happily pay because he’s ‘just so authentic.’ The islet is crawling with wildlife such as rabbits, mice, lizards and some sort of creatures known as blind-worm snakes, which we have never seen but imagine resembling something from a horror film and should we ever bump into them you will see us running and screaming. On the other hand, you – courageous souls that you are – are stuck with them for a week, therefore just shut the door so they don’t sneak in and steal your cheese.

Struga
The Cape of Struga, for this is where Struga Lighthouse can be found, faces the north-African coast (admittedly at quite a distance) from the southern side of the island of Lastovo. This small speck, flung out southwards by Korčula’s hot-tempered bullying and the centrepiece of an archipelago of 40 isles, islets and cliffs, is well known as the island to go to for peace, quiet and lack of facilities. The thrills of the lighthouse location are awaiting those attempting to go one better than the relative metropolis of the main island – which, during the madness of high tourist season in July and August, receives by boat newspapers and bread up to two or three times a week. The squat, white building and stone tower of the lighthouse scrapes its fingernails on the edge of a 70m cliff above the water. The lighthouse keeper and his family can demonstrate the best diving spot off the cliff, take you fishing and then cook up anything that may have bumped into your bait.

Sušac
Seen from afar, the grand yet gaily painted Sušac Lighthouse looks like a particularly insignificant pimple on the back of the balding, grey tufted island of the same name. Found reclining 13 miles to the west of Lastovo, the view from the shuttered windows below the tower could be described as dramatic – if, that is, endless miles of flat-blue wet stuff can have a sensational impact. It is the atmosphere of isolation that is more likely to affect the soul. The sheer cliffs of the northern end of the island play host to the sea-safety device – which means that gaining access to the gorgeous waters, should you be adverse to flinging yourself from the precipice, involves a hike of the best part of an hour to Sušac’s softer, southern climes. On the way you may bump into the visiting shepherd and his sheep – intermittent residents that occasionally join the rest of the population, i.e. the two lighthouse keepers. Madness and peace awaits the traveller weary of the world.

Sv.Petar
A bit of an anomaly this one as it sits with its hands over its ears approximately three-quarters of a kilometre from the centre of Makarska – a very busy tourist town to the south of Split. The short distance that removes the lighthouse from those disco dancin’ dilemmas is provided by the peninsular of sv. Petar upon which it sits with a view into the very heart of Hell. Take a pair of binoculars and you’ve got your very own version of a wildlife documentary.

Sv.Ivan, Rovinj
Somewhat of an intermediate option, svety Ivan (that’s St. John to you) lies only two miles across shallow seas from the busy tourist town of Rovinj on the west coast of Istria. Hence, civilisation: food, fuel and mental health professionals, are but a short boat trip away. A contrast with some of the more hardcore locations we visit on these pages. That said, the isle that the lighthouse was raised on in 1853 is of the territorially challenged variety. With its home base measuring a mere 70m x 50m, the whole contraption looks as if it could over-balance at any moment. Given the ratio of land to sea in the surroundings it’s probably a good idea if those staying have a healthy interest in water-based activities: fishing and diving especially.

Veli Rat
Possibly the gentlest location of the whole selection, Veli Rat lighthouse stands on a v-shaped ramp of land extending into the sea in the north-western extremities of Dugi Otok (literally ‘Long Island’) – that rack-stretched slither that guards Zadar and the greenish depression around it in northern Dalmatia from the open seas. Being only 3km from a few villages means that it does not offer the lonely and uninhabited world that many do. However, this may possibly be compensated by the availability of luxuries such as shops, plenty of water and human contact. That said, the lighthouse is still in the immediate midst of little but pine forests and shingle beaches, which ensure entry to the water without the need for SAS training and complicated rope mechanisms.