We’ve all heard the expression, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Whoever coined it obviously didn’t work in the tourist industry. We want to stress that most tourists are perfectly reasonable and the country is very glad to have them. But let’s face it, with so many millions of them visiting each year, there are bound to be a few who are, at best, sadly misinformed, or at worst, one coke short of a happy meal. 
With the generous help of our tour guide friends, and with particular thanks to workers in the Tallinn Tourist Information Centre, we present this selection of dumb and odd questions that tourists have asked over the years. All the questions are genuine, though some have been paraphrased for reasons of clarity and space. Where is the window that Peter the Great carved into Europe? Which tram do I take to get to Riga?
What will the weather be like a week from Thursday?
Where can we see the wild polar bears/penguins?
I stayed in Tallinn five or six years ago. It was a hotel in the centre, not too big, not too small. Can you tell me which one it was?
[in Tourist Information Centre, which is in the centre of Old Town]

*Q. What’s the fastest way to get to Old Town?
A. Please step outside.

*Where is the tower?

*[Hung-over tourist at the Tourist Information Centre] I was drinking in a bunch of bars last night and I met this beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Can you tell me what her name was?

*Where’s the pool on Town Hall Square where I can fish for the famous Tallinn sardine?

*What time do flying squirrels sleep? When are they awake?

*[At the Tourist Information Centre, two drunk Finns want directions to a Chinese restaurant. After the information assistant marks the closest ones on a free map, the Finns ask:]
How much discount do we get when we show this map in the restaurant?

*Are there Roman-style pillars in Tallinn?

*Is this Estonia in here or Russia?

*[A tourist walks into the Tallinn Tourist Information Centre with a Riga map, indicates with a pen the southeast direction on the map and says:]
We are staying in this hotel. Tell me the easiest way to get to Pirita [a district in Tallinn].

*Are sents smaller than kroons? 

*Your city is so clean. Is graffiti forbidden here?

*Is it true that you can only pay with Finnish marks here?

*[Phone call to Tourist Information Centre]
Caller: In which travel agency does a woman named Galina work?
Information assistant: Unfortunately we do not have that kind of information.
Caller: Where can I get this information?
Information assistant: Actually nowhere.
Caller (already angry): You call yourself a Tourist Info, but you know nothing!

*Is Paldiski [a city near Tallinn] open today?

*Tourist: I would like to have the bus times.
Tourist Information: And to where exactly?
Tourist: Outside Estonia.
Tourist Information: And to where exactly?
Tourist: I’m not really sure...

*What language do they speak in here?

*[At Tourist Information Centre]
Q. How are things with washing laundry in Tallinn?
A. Well, it is washed.

[... and finally, just to prove that the tourists don’t have a monopoly on cluelessness: Two blonde Estonians walk into the Tourist Information Centre... ]
Do you lend out books from here? 
TAKE THE TEST
Are you a clueless tourist? Take this simple test to find out.
1. Which country is Estonia in?
A) Russia B) Purple C) Estonia
2. Tallinn is the capital of…
A) Funk dancing B) Riga C) Estonia
3. The national currency of Estonia is…
A) Sex B) American Express C) the kroon
4. You’re in a department store and you see a jacket you want to buy. You should…
A) haggle with the clerk for a discount B) offer two cartons of Marlboros for it C) just pay the price as marked
5. In 2004, Estonia and its neighbours Latvia and Lithuania joined…
A) …forces to battle injustice B) The Former Eastern Europe C) The EU and Nato
The answer to all of the above questions was C.

How did you score?
5 correct answers: Sorry, you lose. But you can console yourself with the fact that you’re at least as smart as a ferret, and perhaps even have a PhD.
3 - 4 correct answers: A little better. We see many nametags and push brooms in your future.
1 - 2 correct answers: Wow, impressively stupid! Good for you! Now please stop drooling.
0 correct answers: The winner! Congratulations! Good tourist, good. Now stay. Sit.