11 Tips for Dating Slavic Women

more than a year ago

Now that you've succeeded in following these 10 tips for being with a Slavic Girl, see if you can upgrade to dating Slavic women!

Whatever reason you've had so far to visit the lands of the Slavs, Slovenia included, it now no longer seems so relevant. In every way using the myth of the Slavic woman to lure you into further mystification and excitement about visiting Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia, Serbia, Russia, Belarus, Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and Ukraine you will see the myth carries a lot of the generally perceived characteristics of Slavic culture. We are in no way going to take away the fun of exploring what is true and what is imagined about them, which is what dating is all about. 

#1 Always wear Adidas

There's perhaps nothing more Slavic than wearing an Adidas tracksuit, as it's the perfect for pretty much any and all occasions - basketball court, clubs, wedding, funeral and of course pandemic quarantines. So if your goal is to date Slavic women, step one is loading up on Adidas gear, although you might want to mix in a few items from Kappa or Umbro just to add a bit of variety. [Editor's Note: Find out why Slavs have such an affinity for three stripes attire here.]

Tips for dating slavic women - wear adidas
Miss Bulgaria 2017

#2 Roll your own cigarettes

Since it should go without saying that you need to smoke, the only tip here is to be adept at rolling your own cigarettes. While there's no single accepted brand that must be adhered to, one tobacco that is sure to tingle the lungs of Slavic women is the stuff that comes by the kilogram in Bosnian markets.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Smoke and roll your own cigarettes © ITAR-TASS
This classic photo of Slavic chivalry was taken in Nizhny Novgorod during the 2018 FIFA World Cup © ITAR-TASS

#3 Grow a moustache, the wispier the better

Slavic history is literally covered with hair, namely, the hair from bounteous beards, bushy moustaches and all manner of eccentric facial hair proudly worn by men from Murmansk to Macedonia. Sadly these days are long gone, and in the 21st century, the Slavic fashion is closer to John Waters than Rasputin. However, if you'd like to read about many of the great and glorious historical Slavic moustaches for some inspiration, we highly recommend starting (and ending) with An Illustrated History of Slavic Misery.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Grow a moustache
They don't grow em like this anymore, which despite what we just said above is probably a good thing

#4 Know all the Lada and Yugo models from at least 200 metres away

Nothing, and we mean nothing, makes Slavic women weak in the knees like a man who knows everything there is to know about cars and loves to share such knowledge. So one guaranteed way to impress a Slavic woman when you're out for a stroll during your courtship is pointing out the make, model and year of all cars you see, but especially those magnificent mechanical steeds that represent the pinnacle of Slavic engineering, design and craftsmanship, the Lada and the Yugo. So if you don't know your Zastava 101 from your Zastava 1100, take the time to study up. While being able to flawlessly identify these glorious machines from 200 metres is ideal, 100 metres is okay in the case of heavy fog and/or the fragrant haze than emanates from chineys of grand factories.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Know Your Cars
Pavel learns hard life lesson. You can have best haircut and most trendy clothings, but beautiful Slavic girls have no time for your brand new western BMW. Next time you drive Lada and all OK....

#5 Squat as often as possible

It's good for your knees, good for your quads, good for your calves, good for your digestion, good for your soul and great for your chances of attracting Slavic women.

Tips for dating slavic women - Always squat
Living in a post-apocalytic wasteland is no excuse for not squatting - or drinking vodka straight from the bottle

#6 Lunch is best served on the hood of a car

The average person only uses their car 5% of the time, while the other 95% of the time it just sits there serving no purpose. These numbers are almost reversed in Slavic countries, as Slavic ingenuity has come up with all manner of novel uses for automobiles, and one of the most romantic is as an al fresco dining table.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Eat on car
We've included this photo just to see if you were paying attention to what we said about cars above. This is obviously a fail. The meal could also use some more domača and less store bought items.

#7 Drink Alcohol, often and excessively

Slavs like to drink. It's just one of those certainties of life, like death, taxes and Vladimir Putin. When it comes to the type of alcohol that you should drink to impress Slavic women, it's best to always stick to clear spirits - vodka if you're in northern or eastern Slavistania, and schnapps (aka rakija) if you're in the Balkans. Beer is okay as a side dish, on public transport or on the rare occasion that the temperature gets over 23°C. Wine is only okay if the bottle was less than €3 or it's drunk from a plastic cup.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Drink Alcohol
This clever young Slav has laid the perfect trap to capture the heart of the next Slavic woman who passes by this beautiful park. The only question is whether or not he'll be able to wake up in time to really charm her.

#8 In Lenin, Stalin and/or Tito we trust

Slavic women love being regaled with fascinating tales from history as much as they love hearing about all the latest news in vehicular engineering, and all the more so if the tales are about some of the great men from recent Slavic history. So never pass up an opportunity to talk about the greatness of Lenin or Stalin, or Tito if you're in the Balkans.

Tips for dating slavic women - Tito, Stalin and Lenin
A legendary ladies man, the one and only Josip Broz Tito practiced these very tips and it not only got him a date with 100s of Slavic women, but also the Queen of England

#9 Cover your home with fine carpets

If you've followed our tips so far then it won't be long before you've got loads of Slavic women knocking on your door, begging to come in for some kompot and vodka. Don't ruin the opportunity to impress them even further and bring your courtship to the next level by letting them see floors or walls not covered by beautiful carpets. These are an essential element of Slavic minimalism in interior design.

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Cover home in fine carpets
You see? Never fails!

#10 Icons on the wall

There's no better way to show a Slavic woman that you're serious husband material than with walls full of icons. How many are enough? There's been debate about this for centuries amongst the most renowned and respected Slavic ecclesiastical circles, but a good rule of thumb is to have at least one icon for every 2.5 square metres of wall space that is not already covered by a beautiful carpet (see above). True, some have argued that 2.2 square metres is the more godly number, but personally we think that that's excessive and much more difficult to calculate. Speaking of which, how do you calculate this? If you want to impress Slavic women you should be able to figure it out yourself. If you need help, have a drink.

Tips for dating slavic women - Icons on walls
Just right!

#11 Love Her babushka, and get her babushka to love you

This is important for several reasons. First, by definition all babushka are cool. Second, when you succeed in your courtship of a Slavic woman, you will be seeing a lot of her babushka - if you're lucky, she will even move in with you. And third, no matter how attractive and fit a Slavic woman looks, she is going to look exactly like her babushka in 5-10 years (maybe even less), so you might as well get comfortable with that fact as early as possible. But how to get a Slavic woman's babushka to love you? All you need to do is eat, and keep eating. Never stop eating or saying how delicious the food is. 

Tips for Dating Slavic Women - Get her Babushka to love you
There's one spot left on the couch, and it's got your name on it if you follow all of the tips you've learned in this article. But better hurry up! Only a few more years until Jelena looks like her Babushka

The preceding was obviously just satire based on the various Slavic stereotypes that have become popular the world over these days, thanks in part to the hard work of Facebook pages like Squatting Slavs in Tracksuits and Babushka. But in reality, aside from being taller, blonder and more beautiful, Slavic women are just like all other women across this great green earth of ours. So if you really want to impress them, you can forget almost everything we mentioned above and put all of your efforts into getting a nice car (BMW, Mercedes or Audi is an argument for another time) and being an overconfident, unrepentant asshole. It's important to stress that you can't fake this last part - you've really gotta put your heart and soul into it! A luxury car can be leased on credit, but becoming a sincere asshole takes real time, dedication and will power.

Okay, maybe that was a slight oversimplification and/or exaggeration. Our real, sincere and final advice is just be yourself. And if you're an asshole, maybe consider being a little bit less of an asshole. And if you're lacking in confidence, try to get some more of that stuff - it's great for all kinds of things in life, not just dating Slavic women. Oh, and we heard that lots of women love a good sense of humour, but we've got zero firsthand evidence to support this.

Good luck! Удачи! Powodzenia! Hodně štěstí! Сретно!

Read more on Donald Trump's Wife: The Extraordinary World of Melania Trump

Want to find out more about Slavic women and other characteristics of the Slavic world? Get some fun reading done with the Illustrated History of Slavic Misery!

In Your Pocket in no way endorses or is responsible for the views and opinions expressed herein, which are solely those of In Your Pocket’s former editor-in-chief and current editor-at-large Yuri Barron. These days he can be found on the 30th floor of a condominium in Kuala Lumpur, where he was planning to ride out the global quarantine by finishing his memoirs, 
Thirty-Cent Life: A Decade of Moderately Irresponsible Travel in Dodgy Countries, but hasn’t managed to get round to starting yet. More of his somewhat travel-related work can be found here


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